Gold Coast Psychologist

The Anxious Child

admin — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 07:20:21 +0000

One of the most common reasons that parents contact a child psychologist is for help in dealing with an anxious child. When a child is anxious his or her clearly visible distress is felt by parents, but not always understood. The child is often fearful about situations that had never even crossed this parent’s mind as a problem when he or she was a child. Good advice that parents may give on how to deal with anxiety-provoking situations is often not taken up by the child and the pain seems to grow year by year.

Some anxiety is healthy and serves to protect a child from accidents. A child who makes a run for it as soon as the car door is opened is likely to hurl himself into danger, but a child who is lifted from a vehicle and flattens herself against the car in a catatonic state of terror is far beyond a healthy state of caution. How do you coax such a child to be comfortable just waiting close to the car?

At certain ages separation anxiety is experienced by a majority of children. It is a normal part of their social development. Up to the age of around six months most babies can be left with others and held by strangers without any protesting. However, at around six months of age they often don’t like to be separated from their parents, or react with hesitation or fear to people they don’t see every day. Separation anxiety usually peaks at 12 months and then diminishes, disappearing before the second birthday. Parents can help their children through this phase by staying calm and giving the child time to become familiar with new people and places.

Separation anxiety can re-occur briefly on the first days at a new child care centre, or when school begins. Parents can minimise a child’s insecurity with starting at a new place by preparing him ahead of time, explaining what will be happening and taking him for a visit beforehand. Once there, teach the child a few simple steps to do each time – say hello, start an activity, kiss Mum good-bye. Children usually adjust quickly when they can see a routine.

Sometimes a previously confident child can suddenly become anxious, behaving as though he is terrified to be left. Parents become disconcerted and wonder what horrible experience occurred at day care to make the child so fearful. However, more often than not, the anxiety is in reaction to things that have been going on at home – family stress, serious illness, or parents in conflict. Research done some years ago showed that children exposed to parents’ fighting had much higher cortisol levels (a measure of distress) than children in a natural disaster or a war zone. Regardless of their outward behaviour, kids find parental conflict extremely upsetting.

An anxious disposition can also simply be a reflection of the child’s innate personality. Anxiety seems to be especially heightened if the child is also very creative, and quite intelligent. Children with this combination of traits not only have a highly creative imagination, they sometimes also have tendency towards fearing the worst in every situation. Hence, shadows on the wall at night become monsters, and sounds outside become burglars.

What can a parent do to help a child manage anxiety? There are three very simple but important components to the daily life of every child that create a sense of security and enable confidence to grow. Although some children manage okay without these in place for periods of time, for the anxious child these are imperative, and all children benefit from them being part of their upbringing.

These keys are:

1. Routine – Doing activities at the same time and in the same order every day of every week.
2. Consistency – What is okay today, is okay tomorrow. It doesn’t depend on a parent’s moods or who is in charge today.
3. Predictability – If things have to change, and that’s sometimes unavoidable, prepare the child well for what to expect.

If you need help with incorporating these into your child’s daily life, or have other queries about an anxious child feel free to contact us by clicking here, or

Phone Goldwyn Lane on (07) 5564 2202

Pandora’s Box

admin — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 04:41:40 +0000

We all enjoy experiencing positive emotions and actively seek them out. We go out for a good time, plan activities to have fun, gather with family for closeness, and many people when asked their goal in life will say, “I just want to be happy.” But other emotions are felt as bad experiences and we often go to great lengths to avoid them – feelings of anger, disappointment or fear. Sometimes we are taught that certain emotions are somehow “bad” and we shouldn’t experience them. We believe that “big boys don’t cry” or “nice girls don’t get angry”. Nonsense! Big boys and nice girls are normal people too, and to experience the whole range of emotions is perfectly normal. When we seek to suppress certain emotions we only run into trouble.

The ancient Greeks were aware of this and brought us the fable of Pandora’s Box. Most of us don’t know this story well. We just use it as an expression of mayhem, confusion and trouble. But it’s actually a story that imparts wisdom for living a well-balanced life. In classic Greek mythology…

Pandora was the first woman on earth. At the time of her arrival evil was unknown. Everyone was good and kind and caring. Pandora was given to Epimetheus who was enchanted by her. The gods had endowed her with many talents – beauty, music, persuasion and curiosity, and she had been given a beautiful box which she was not to open under any circumstance. Although she was obedient for a long time, eventually her curiosity got the better of her and she sneaked open the box lid. Immediately, a great swarm of nastiness escaped and spread throughout the earth, biting people and causing them great distress. Anger, fighting, hatred and fear broke out amongst the formerly peace-loving people. Epimetheus slammed the lid shut on the box and scolded Pandora. She was so remorseful and promised never to open it again. Eventually the mayhem settled down, and life on earth returned to normality.

However, one day when Pandora passed by the box she heard a faint voice crying, “Let me out.” Her curiosity was aroused and she entreated Epimetheus. “Don’t even think about it!” was his very firm response. But day after day, the little voice called, “Let me out.” Eventually Pandora could no longer resist, and she opened the lid. And there in the bottom of the box was Hope, a new and positive emotion that had not been known before.

Some of us get to times in life when we seem to have no feelings. On the occasions where we could be experiencing happiness, peace, love, anticipation or enjoyment, we just feel blank. Sometimes our emotions seem stuck – especially when we have lost someone we love and we know we miss them greatly, but we just can’t cry.

This is often the result of slamming the lid shut on the box of our emotions. Somewhere in life we have had an awful experience that has produced anger, fear or sadness, and we have felt that it was inappropriate to indulge in these emotions. So we lock them down. It might have been a disaster such as bushfire, cyclone or flood, or it might have been a traumatic experience such as a car accident, an assault or diagnosis of serious illness. Many times in such events we are overwhelmed by the many tasks that such an experience often produces, and we opt to “just get on with it.” This is okay for a while. However, the unexpressed emotions do not go away. Just like Pandora’s box, they are eager to get out. We expend a lot of energy in keeping the lid on them, and begin to experience fatigue, headaches, and poor sleep. What we don’t realise is that the lid of our box is not selective in only locking down the “bad” emotions, but it shuts down the good ones too. Eventually we notice that life is flat and emotionless.

Like Pandora, our remedy is to open the lid of the box. But of course the first things to escape will certainly be those bad feelings that we locked down all that time ago, and like Epimetheus we often fear them. But if we can take courage and face them, re-visit the painful times and experience those emotions until they are fully expressed, then they will be gone forever, leaving us free to enjoy the “good” emotions, and freeing up so much energy to enjoy life.

Some people can manage this themselves, and others need a guiding hand. We’re here if you need us.

Just click here or call Goldwyn Lane Psychology on (07) 5564 2202

Trauma and its Effects on Mental Health

admin — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 06:52:24 +0000

The recent disastrous cylone and floods in Queensland have had a huge impact, not only on those in their pathway, but also on those who have been looking on in disbelief. There’s an enormous amount of work to be done to bring the state back into normal operation and we are being told it could take years. But what about the people? They will have various reactions to their ordeal, but when will they return to normal every day life? We know that people who live through wars, cyclones, bushfires and the like are prone to becoming mentally ill with posttraumatic stress disorder. Will flood-affected people suffer mental health issues?

[Read more... ]

Working Through Grief

admin — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 06:38:26 +0000

We spend much of our lives working towards having great relationships, a good job, a comfortable home, nice possessions, and all those things that make life rich and meaningful. But what happens when we suddenly lose one of them? Grief is as natural to every person as breathing. It is inevitable.

Loss comes in many forms. It might be the death of someone you love, a best friend moving away, losing your job, having your car written off, your marriage breaking down, losing your house, or even realising that something you were looking forward to just isn’t going to happen. Everyone feels their loss in a different way, and if you don’t react in the same way as someone else it does not mean that there is something wrong with you (or with them). Some losses are experienced as deep despair, others as a tragedy, and some strike us with feelings of panic. However, many people tend to follow a general pattern after a loss and work through a range of emotions. [Read more....]

Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem

admin — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 05:29:53 +0000

Self-Confidence

A person who is comfortable with who they are and believes in their own abilities has much fewer problems in life. Every parent would like to bring their child up with self-confidence, to avoid being the target of bullies, to have good friends, to be able to resist peer pressure, to have a go at a variety of activities, and to achieve what they are capable of doing. Some children are naturally shy, hesitant to try things, a bit anxious and limited in some abilities. So how can you encourage your child to become self-confident? [Read more...]

Emotional Reactions

admin — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 12:23:53 +0000

Just who is responsible for our emotional reactions? “He made me upset.” “She made me cry.” “They all make me so very angry.” We often directly attribute our distress to the actions of someone else, or to external circumstances, such as the decisions of politicians, society in general, or even the weather. In our minds it is a direct cause and effect – their actions or these events caused my emotions. However, in reality there is actually another step in between. Let’s look at the following scenario (which by the way is totally hypothetical and definitely not recommended).
Imagine I attended a local high school and asked about 20 Year 9 girls to stand in a line, and then proceeded down the row saying to each girl in turn, “You’re fat and ugly.” Can you picture the mayhem that would cause? I’m sure you would quickly conclude that many of the girls would be upset and even in tears. But if you think about it, not all girls would react in quite the same way. Many would be quite distressed, and some more than others. Some would be affected briefly, others maybe for days or weeks. But other girls may be totally unaffected and in five minutes have forgotten the whole thing. Would the girls that were upset necessarily be the girls that were significantly overweight or not particularly attractive? No. I’m sure you, like me, have met many very pretty 15 year olds who are convinced they are unattractive.
So if I have said the same words to each girl, and yet there has been a wide variety of emotional reactions that are not based on any truth in my words, what is it that is directly responsible for the girls’ responses? Quite clearly, it depends on what each girl already believes about herself. So although my actions remained constant for each girl, her personal beliefs about herself in relation to what I said were actually the cause of her emotions.
Let’s take a look at another example. James and Alex are brothers with separated parents. They live with Mum and she picks them up from school every afternoon. The boys don’t see much of their Dad and they really miss him. A few times Dad has made promises to catch up with his sons that haven’t worked out and the boys have been disappointed. However, in a phone chat with his father James finds out that Dad is planning to pick the two boys up from school on Thursday. He is very excited, but Alex has had enough of being let down by Dad and decides he’ll believe it when he sees it. When Thursday comes James can hardly wait for school to finish. As the two boys stand outside the school gate waiting they see Mum’s car come around the corner. James is devastated, while Alex is fine and quite happy to see Mum. Same event, but two totally different reactions directly caused by each boy’s expectation.
At first glance this may make life appear unfair because one might conclude that others can do what they like to me but I have to take responsibility for their actions. But when you look at it more closely, it actually shows us that we have a lot of control over our own lives. By taking responsibility for our own beliefs, attitudes and expectations we can decide whether or not we will allow the actions of others to cause us distress. In other words, we can take charge of our own emotional responses.
Most people have come to accept that trying to change others or the world in general doesn’t often work, and that in our trying we only cause ourselves more distress and angst. However, the good news is that we have complete control of what we do with ourselves. Life can be much more pleasant and stress free if we can identify exactly which beliefs, attitudes and expectations are the ones that are bringing us undone, and learn ways to change these into more healthy, positive and affirmative ways of thinking.
Change is not always easy, and sometimes it is difficult to figure out on your own which beliefs are causing the problems. This is where a psychologist can help. If you are prepared to accept the responsibility for your own beliefs and the challenge of shifting them into something less stressful, you can totally change your life into one that is much more pleasant and desirable in as little as six weeks.

You can totally change your life in as little as six weeks

Handling Depression

admin — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 12:17:59 +0000

It is normal to feel upset when things go wrong, and for a person to feel very down for a few days after suffering a series of setbacks. But most people bounce back once they have had time to think about it and get things into perspective. Depression is far more serious than just feeling down in the dumps for a while.
The most common symptoms of depression are feeling tired, not caring, having no energy, not sleeping normally, feeling sad a lot, being unable to concentrate, losing interest in life, and not having a normal appetite. Some people get so down they think about ending their lives.
There are a number of causes of depression. It can occur in people who suffer from a mental illness, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance, or it can be hereditary. However, for the majority of people who develop it depression is often part of a reaction to unpleasant events.
Such circumstances can include losing a job, the breakup of a relationship, being seriously ill or injured, being treated badly, experiencing a trauma, the death of someone close, a big financial loss, and many other triggers. Many people can go through difficult times like these without developing depression. This is called resilience.
Some depression that appears to run in families is often not hereditary, but our ways of coping with troubling events are often learned from our family members, and if these are faulty they can cause us to develop depression. Many of the events that can trigger depression are unforeseeable and unavoidable, and most people experience one or more of these in a lifetime.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and to avoid succumbing to depression we need to learn how to develop resilience. This is where a psychologist can help. Psychologists usually help people to learn ways of coping through a process called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Research shows that people who have had depression once are very likely to get it again the next time something in their lives goes wrong. This is much less likely for people who have learned CBT.
People who are already experiencing symptoms of depression may also need to seek the assistance of their GP and perhaps be prescribed an antidepressant medication. This usually helps people feel better and more able to manage the tasks involved in CBT. For reactive depression, antidepressant medication is only a short term measure. It does not cure depression, but simply helps relieve the distress of the symptoms.
Certain factors in the makeup of people can leave them more vulnerable to depression. Sensitive people are more likely to suffer from depression, and so are people who are realists. (Unrealistic optimism is actually a protective factor against depression.) Psychologists can assist here too with an analysis of each individual’s personality type.
There is no right or wrong personality. However, each person needs a good understanding of themselves to know how to best place themselves in the world around them. It is important not to be a ‘square peg in a round hole.’ A psychologist can teach people how to best utilise the strengths of their personality, and how to manage their vulnerabilities.
Depression can also occur in someone who had a bad experience early in life. Often these traumas were never properly processed, and the distress is simply pushed down. However, traumatic stress never goes away on its own, but simply lies dormant waiting for an opportunity to show up—often as depression. A psychologist can help with relieving this long-term distress.
If you know someone who you think might be suffering from depression and want to help there are a number of do’s and don’ts. It is tempting to tell the person to just pull themselves together and get over it. This rarely helps. Let them know you are available to listen if they want to talk. Then listen, and try to offer support rather than advice.
However, do encourage them to seek professional help. Some people have the idea that only people who are crazy see a psychologist, or that going to one is a sign of weakness. It is actually a sign of good sense and sanity. Depression is simply a health problem, and like many other health problems often requires the assistance of a professional.

The key to preventing
depression is developing
resilience

Work Stress

admin — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 13:06:02 +0000

Because the world of work is such a major part of our lives it plays a significant role in how we feel. Just as we can be in optimum physical health or knocked sideways by a health problem, we can be mentally healthy or there may be times in our lives when we struggle with mental and emotional distress. People with good mental health are able to develop and sustain personal relationships and to empathise with others. They can face and deal with problems, laugh, play and also enjoy solitude. Mentally healthy people possess self-esteem and confidence. Mental health problems, on the other hand, can limit the extent to which a person experiences life. These problems range from the anxieties and sadness that everyone experiences as part of daily life, to the bleakest suicidal depression or the loss of engagement with everyday reality. One in four people will experience a mental health problem in the course of a year. The most common mental health problems are anxiety and depression.
The effects of work on mental health are complex. When good, work can be a source of personal satisfaction and accomplishment, social contact, and financial independence and security. It provides meaning to our day and acts as a reminder that other people value us. The right amount of ‘positive’ stress can motivate and energise us to engage in and accomplish projects and take on new challenges. For most people a steady and rewarding job protects against the risk of depression. However, it can also be harmful to mental health. Undue pressure, cumulative stress, long hours and poor management can lead to anxiety and depression. Research has shown that two thirds of people with mental health problems believed that unrealistic workloads, too high expectations and over-work had caused or exacerbated their mental health problems. The cost to individuals and employers is enormous. Half of all lost working days are due to work-related stress. While alarming, this is not so surprising considering the changes that have taken place in the workplace during the last decade. Due to an increasingly demanding work culture, people are neglecting important factors in their lives known to protect mental health. (These include exercise, quality time with partners and families, socializing, hobbies and entertainment.) Neglecting these creates a negative effect on employees’ personal lives, relationships and home life. There are a number of factors at work that can lead to problems. These include being in an inherently stressful job, negative management and personnel practice, poor physical environments, bullying and harassment. Frustration and anxiety also arise if there is a lack of control over the way work is organized, or if the agenda is imposed from above without any discussion. Other factors that can lead to depression include a lack of opportunity to use skills, repetitive and monotonous jobs, uncertainty and lack of feedback on performance, poorly defined roles, an out-of-balance workload, low pay, and poor interpersonal support from managers or colleagues. Employees might also feel stressed in the workplace if there are problems in their personal lives, e.g., an unwell family member, relationship problems, difficulties with dependent children, or a serious personal setback. Being aware of the possibility of mental health problems and their warning signs is a key step in preventions. As there is still a great deal of stigma surrounding mental health issues, many employees remain silent if they are experiencing problems. In fact, many employees feel that if their employers knew about mental health difficulties their jobs would be compromised.
Signs indicating that someone may be at risk can include increased absence, poor performance and timekeeping, headache and backache, indecisiveness, low energy, increased use of alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, irritability, tearfulness, and lack of social contact. Any or all of these may suggest problems. When it becomes clear someone is suffering from anxiety, depression or any other mental health problem, early intervention can prevent it from developing into a serous illness. As part of their mental health policy managers should provide access to professional counselling services. Talking to a psychologist at an early stage can be important in helping recovery and rehabilitation.

One in four people will experience a mental health problem in any year

Weight Loss

admin — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:27:33 +0000

We all know that being overweight is detrimental to our health in many ways, including risk of diabetes, cancer and heart disease. And we all desire to look slim and trim so we can go out and feel confident. Unfortunately, we are often conscious of embarrassing fat in all the wrong places. The battle of the bulge often seems futile. Weight loss programs that do wonders for the superstars just don’t have the same effect on mere mortals, and any weight loss victoriously achieved in one year just sneaks right back on the next. Add to this the fact that every adult Australian is progressively gaining weight by more than a kilo every two years and it seems that fate wants us to be fat. Why is long-term weight loss so elusive?
In the past we have been told that the simple physiology of losing weight is just a matter of adjusting the quantities of energy in (calories consumed) and energy out (intensity of exercise). But dieting and pounding the pavement each day might achieve worthwhile results initially, but it just doesn’t last. Eating less triggers the body to alter its metabolism and preserve fat so that we don’t fade away. And exercising triggers off intense hunger pangs so that we just have to eat.
But as well as the effects on our physiology, there are important psychological factors that have a powerful influence on our efforts to shed fat. To lose weight requires us to change our lifestyle—to eat differently and to move more. But attempting to bring about these changes in lifestyle can be affected by things that seem totally unrelated to diet and exercise.
Food means much more to us than simply providing fuel for our bodies to function. Sometimes our parents have used food as a reward, and when we feel a need for affirmation we reach for the biscuits. Good hospitality revolves around food, and the sweeter and fattier the food, the more pampered we believe our guests will feel. Our mental state affects how we approach food. For many people, dismay and disappointment around body shape, dieting and exercise frequently leads to depression. And depression often leads to eating more and moving less.
Another factor is stress, which is an integral part of our modern lifestyle. There are hundreds of strategies people use to cope with stress—some appropriate and some not. Bingeing on fattening food is a common stress response. Then there’s the well-known phenomenon of turning to food for comfort when we suffer a setback or feel bad about ourselves or life. Even more psychologically complex is the fact that many women who have suffered sexual abuse subconsciously make themselves fat and unattractive in an attempt to avoid male attention. But this fails to bring them comfort or security, instead leading to anxiety, depression and further weight gain.
And who is not familiar with the experience of being faced with some forbidden food and being sure we were definitely not going to have any, but shortly finding ourselves tucking in to a second helping? This is followed by the inevitable guilt trip and wondering “what on earth is wrong with me?” because we cannot stop ourselves doing what we don’t want to do. Our underlying beliefs are powerful influences on our daily behaviour, and we cannot put in place lasting lifestyle changes without first addressing those beliefs that play a part.
Changing beliefs is absolutely essential in body weight management. For example, even though we might desire to be slim, a well-meaning relative might have told us we are destined to be fat (just look at your mother, grandmother, aunties, etc.). Our belief in that statement will override what we consciously choose to do, and we end up over-eating. There are a lot of old wives’ tales and myths around weight gain that actually keep us reaching for another helping.
Another vital key is in our approach to life. Happy and optimistic people do much better in overcoming the psychological barriers to weight loss. Happiness does not depend on our circumstances. It is a choice we make in spite of our circumstances. Some people are born optimists. Other people have to make an effort to learn how to live more positively.
A psychologist can help you sort out the factors affecting your personal efforts to lose weight and help you make lasting changes.

Changing beliefs is absolutely essential in managing body weight

Goldwyn Lane Psychology

admin — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 04:38:49 +0000